By the third month I felt like we had turned the corner. Ava was sleeping consistently through the night (we are so lucky) which made for better sleep for us! At this point I was more mobile and I went out as much as I could. Knowing that the winter was coming upon us, I know that it will be harder to get out every day so I was trying to soak it up when the struggle wouldn’t involve bad weather.
Ruler of the House:
Ava was still doing what she needed when she needed it. We didn’t try to force her into a schedule however we kept recording her meal times and sleep times like we did since birth. I was hoping with data we would be able to discover a sleep pattern or two to try to take advantage of when she was naturally tired to help us getting her to sleep. Month 3 was kind of more of the same. She ate and slept but was starting to develop more of a personality. She would still start screaming when you took her bottle away and she still would wake up in the morning very very upset about who knows. All I do know is that there were screams. Lots of them.
Letting Myself Down:
I ended up having my 6 week checkup at closer to 9 weeks. The morning of the appointment I woke up and C-Section scar wasn’t doing well. It was the first time that had happened and to say that I was devastated was a complete understatement. I remember crying in the shower that my body was letting me down.
I had been saying for a while that baby life isn’t linear. Meaning that there are good days and bad and it isn’t going to be the same every day. What took me forever to realize is that my healing isn’t linear either. There are good days where I feel great and bad days. Sometimes when I push myself too hard it hurts at night and then other times I’m nervous to do things. To get cleared and to have the doctor tell you that you are back to normal tasks is a joke. Your life is not the same and neither is your body, especially after major surgery.
I still wasn’t doing much around the house and on those really bad days I felt super bummed out. I’m still trying to juggle this new identity and how my life is different these days. I somehow thought that I would be able to get all of the household tasks done during the day during the week to free up time on the evenings and weekends. But all that pressure that I put on myself was difficult. It definitely took a toll on my mental well being. I was on the lookout for PPD (postpartum depression) but it was only after I felt like my body failed me that I really started to be upset. It was something that lasted a week or so but I was in a fog that it was difficult to lift myself out of. I talked a lot with Scott about it but there was never a chance that the baby was in danger or I wasn’t attached to her. It was just sadness surrounding myself and where I thought I would be at that moment. To be completely clear I’m still on high alert for PPD. Your life changes so much when you have a child that it is important to focus on your own mental health as well as take care of those around you. You have to put on your own oxygen mask first to help others.
Already Thinking About Back to Work:
We also spent some time looking at daycare options. In some areas of the city you need to be reserving a spot in daycare 12-18 months before you need it. If you are going back to work after 12 months you need to be 3 months pregnant looking for a spot! I know that in Ontario they are working on getting more spots in licensed centres. What they also need to focus on is making it more affordable to the average parent as well. Some of the daycares didn’t fit, didn’t have the best security, or any at all. Some let them play with real adult sized hammers (no joke). But we did end up finding one that was the best of all worlds. Convenient for both of us to pick her up or drop her off, good program and teachers and not immensely expensive. It’s expensive for sure but not out of this world. Since I’m going back at 15 months it is only 3 months until the price drops dramatically.
Next month we talk about schedules, mom guilt and teething!!